Breathing Underwater

I saw "The Abyss" many years ago. I didn't particularly like the movie, but there was a scene in there that I have thought of many times. The scientists in the movie made a way for the explorers in the movie to breathe water. The person had to get over there natural resistance to taking water into her lungs in order to be able to breathe. At the time, when I was about 18 years old, I thought of how hard it would be to fight that urge. Everything in you would fight taking the water in, but for these people, it was the right thing to do. Much of parenting has been like that for me. From the time my kids were little, throwing fits in the grocery store because they wanted gum or candy, I have had to fight what was natural to do what was right. My natural response to my kid crying is to...Stop the crying! If my child is unhappy, every cell in me wants to make them happy. Of course, this is a bad idea. It is a terrible parenting strategy to never allow your child to be disappointed. But it is not natural. I have to fight some pretty strong urges to tell my child no.

I thought it would be easier when my kids got older, but it's not. It is much harder. Now I am not only dealing with my child's disappointment, but I like my older kids, and I want my kids to like me. When I disappoint them by telling them no, I run the risk of losing their admiration and affection. They are also able now to tell me with their completely backwards logic how my decisions show my lack of trust in them. This is the ultimate betrayal to my teenagers. How dare I not trust them. I always say I trust them, but How do I explain to them,

"I don't trust the environment we live in. I don't trust that your friends parents love their kids as much as I love you. I don't trust your youth and inexperience. I don't trust your ability to make a good decision every single time. I don't trust the risk taking genes that I passed on to you. For my XX13, I don't trust your ability to blend in. You are too beautiful, and you attract too much attention. XY17, I don't trust how easy-going you are, and how much you don't want to disappoint anyone."

Yesterday, XX13 asked to go to a Halloween party at a friends house that I don't like, with a group of friends I don't like. I gave a soft no. You know, "Aw, Honey, I'm not sure, we'll have to see. We can talk about it tomorrow." I hate that. I want her to go, I want her to be happy. But I want her to be good. I don't think these kids are good. Ultimately, I guess it is true. I don't trust her. I don't believe she can be who she needs to be with these kids.

Same day. XY17 has been out with his friends. I expected him home around 12 o'clock, but at around 11:45 He calls, asking if he can spend the night at a friends house whom I barely know, and whose parents I have never met. If I say yes, I will get, "I love you Mom, good night." If I say no, I will get a curt accusation of lack of trust. He will get off the phone, possibly with out even saying good-bye. Just as it is unnatural for me to express my love for my children by disappointing them, it is unnatural for my children to accept it as love. I know what is right, but what is right is not, in this, or any other area of my life, what is easy. I have to believe that somewhere deep down, my kids know that this is love. I hope, and I really mean, hope! that my XY17 is secretly grateful that I delivered him from possible temptation. I think that kind of thinking is less likely for XX13. The scariest thing about my girl is, I don't think she wants a way out of temptation. I think she wants to stand right on the edge of it, like a campfire, feeling the warmth of it on her face, feeling a thrill when a flame flickers close enough for her to feel uncomfortable heat. That scares the Hell out of me! And because of that, I will continue to try to breathe underwater. I will continue to risk anything to be a good mom and keep my kids safe.