Thanksgiving Advice

I have hosted many Thanksgiving dinners, in my over twenty years of being a grown-up. I enjoy Thanksgiving, and I enjoy wine. This has resulted in the occasional misstep, when it comes to cooking with wine on Thanksgiving. I would like you to avoid any missteps, and so, I present to you: My list of dos and don’ts when cooking Thanksgiving Dinner.

· The night before Thanksgiving, as you are doing the last minute preparation for the coming celebration, is not the time to open and sample all the wines you have chosen. After the second or third glass, it seems like a great idea. After the fifth or sixth glass, seeing if the turkey will fit in your son’s cabbage patch doll’s clothes also seems like a good idea. By the seventh glass, the reddish pink juice leaking out of your turkey will seem hilarious to you and your equally drunk co-horts. It’s not the turkey’s period, it’s disgusting and unsanitary.

· Mimosas are wonderful, a great excuse to drink wine with breakfast. If you are responsible for cooking Thanksgiving Dinner, you may want to stick to coffee on Thanksgiving morning. If your Step-mother makes egg-nog like mine does, slightly creamy rum, definitely stick to coffee. If you sampled the wine the night before, make it coffee and Motrin.


· Martha Stewart is an inspiration to us all, but I suspect she does not personally try every single recipe she puts in her magazine. When I was a new bride, and trying very hard to impress my in-laws, I took Martha’s advice and marinated my turkey in a brine that included a lot red wine. This sounds good, in theory. That is why I did it without doing a dry run. Frankly, turkeys are too big to do dry runs anyway. Well I should have. If I had, the very first turkey I ever cooked for my in-laws would not have been puce. So, don’t marinate your turkey in red wine, unless you think puce is an appetizing color. My in-laws didn’t. They hosted Thanksgiving the following year.

· I have a beautiful cousin who has always had a beautiful if somewhat busty figure. She is young, and dresses like she is going to a dance club all the time. She is sweet, and a little naïve, but very eye-catching. She recently got a boob job. I did not warn my brother-in-law. He saw her at a summer family event and choked on an olive. Roser had to do the Heimlich, and he ruined the artichoke dip with the expelled olive. I’ll be warning the rest of the family before Thanksgiving.


· The five inch high stilettos that perfectly match your outfit are going to make you grumpy if you are cooking dinner. Drinking more wine will not make you less grumpy. Oddly enough, more wine will make you more grumpy. Just take off the shoes.

· Let people drink the wine they want to drink. Let brother drink White Zinfandel and call it Rosé. Let your dad bring a case of Two-Buck Chuck. Smile and accept it graciously. And whatever you do, do not march over and snatch a glass of French Chardonnay out of your mother-in-laws hand when she attempts to add ice. She won’t understand. She won’t think it’s cute. Believe me.

Happy Thanksgiving!