Sweet Serene Summer

My sister, the one I drove to rehab, is now staying with me. I am trying to remember why I thought it was a good idea. Oh yeah, living with my father would drive anyone to do drugs.

My commitment to get out and do things with the kids has not been fulfilled yet. I have family drama, real estate drama, and an unusually heavy workload this month. Still, I am taking tomorrow off to take the kids to the beach. Even though I hate the beach, even though I just received another assignment, even though it will cost me 50 dollars in gas, and even though I run the risk of an embittered super-hero throwing me far into the ocean because he mistakes me for a beached whale. Can you tell how excited I am? I don't actually hate the beach, it's just a lot of work for not much pay-off. I'm also not a big fan of sandy crevices, if you know what I mean.

My writers group is going well. I am so proud of my writers and their commitment to writing, and coming to share their thoughts on the other members writings. My book club is one of the things allowing me to hold on to my sanity. Having that to look forward to once a month is wonderful. It's also a good thing this month, because Rebecca may well be the only book I read this month!

I am the perfect storm of "get fat." I am stressed about choosing a house to buy, I am premenstrual, and my dad is torturing me. So.... I had cake and ice cream for dinner, (Entenmanns fudge cake, or as I call it, Period Cake), and I had chips and onion dip for dessert. All washed down with white wine. Now I know why prisoners on death row ask for things like fried chicken for their last meal. It is familiar and comforting. I am watching "Atonement" on video-on-demand. I am worried that stress may actually cause me to chew my own head off, starting with my cheeks, and working up and out. Any suggestions for how I can keep from eating my self into oblivion, chewing my own face off, or becoming catatonic and laying fetal position on my bed for the next three days? If so, I welcome them.

Sigh... I need a new extended family.

Usually I use this space for funny observation, or sentiment, but this is just blowing off steam. This is great steaming pile of "I don't deserve this!" I am the oldest of seven. Three of my sibs have had serious drug problems. One of them is a literal kleptomaniac. The two that are really trying to do things the right way are being completely ignored, or worse, my dad picks fights with them, telling them all the things they are doing wrong, while the ones with severe problems are coddled, or the efforts to succeed are sabotaged by my dad. When I try to take a stand, and say, "I don't want someone who continually steals in my house," or "I don't want my daughter looking up to a drug addict," do you think my dad supports that? No, he makes sure I look like the biggest bitch on earth. You know the sister I spent 6 hours driving to rehab? My dad went and got her from rehab without even telling me, and brought her to Vegas. How is that good for her? Why didn't he call me? Ask my advice, or ask me to keep her here? Because I think he likes when his kids are unhealthy. I really do. My one brother who lives in Temecula and is working and going to school, and never does drugs, is an object of rage for my father. My dad has an extra car, and instead of letting this brother use it, he brought it back to Vegas for my sister, who has been caught stealing, doesn't have a job, or a drivers licence. I am so sick of trying so hard to be who I need for my family, only to have my father actively trying to keep his children oppressed. I give advice, and tough love, and soft love, and I have someone undoing everything I do. I am so enraged right now, I don't know whether to cry, or scream.