A Question and an Answer

When I was a child in a Catholic Church and school, there was a part of our liturgy that piqued my curiosity. The congregation said to the Lord,
“Just say the word and I shall be healed.”
I wanted to know what the word was. I pondered it for weeks. Father White came to our classroom for his weekly visit, to teach us the finer points of Catholicism. He was a joyful man whose faith set him apart in a church full of grumpy nuns and musty priests.
As he always did at the end of his puppet presentation, he asked if there were any questions.
I was ready. I asked him what the word was that the Lord said to heal us. Father White looked at me for a long time from behind his square glasses. Finally he said,
“Love. Love is the word that Jesus says to heals us.”
At eight years old I had no idea of the deeper truth of what Father White had said to me. My curiosity was satisfied, and I felt a bit smug about knowing the secret word.
Today, many, many years later I understand. God’s love for me heals me. God’s love for humanity sent Jesus to the cross. God’s love for me calls me to Himself, where all wholeness and healing is. And, perhaps most importantly, God’s love for me compels me to love others, and to heal relationships.
Truly, the Word is Love.
There was another time when I needed to know, not the answer, but the question.
My beloved aunt had a stained glass window on the restroom leading out to the pool. It was beautiful with reds and greens, and it said, “Love is the answer”
Of course, I had to know the question. What was the question that was asked that was so important, my aunt had the answer set in a window.
So I asked her. I got more wisdom that it has taken me a lifetime to appreciate.
“Auntie, your window says ‘Love is the answer’, what is the question?
My aunt looked down at me and said,
“Sweetie, love is the answer to every question.”
I walked away dissatisfied, feeling as though she wanted to keep the true question a secret.
And now I know, she told the truth. Love is the answer to every question. The answer to every hurt, every pain, every sin, every offense is love; patient, kind, tender, forgiving Love.
Love is the answer.

Thoughts on Grace and Parenting

I read an amazing article on how the grace of God pushes us toward righteousness. I have ruminated on the thoughts presented in this article for several days. Today, it hit me like a bolt out of the blue, that I saw that exact principle played out by my aunt and uncle when I was a child.
I grew up, like many of us, in dysfunctional home. The grownups in my house had too much heartbreak and disappointment to affectively love the little motherless mess that I was when I came to live with them at three years old.
As I grew, my own pain and sense of rejection manifested itself in all sorts of anger, rebellion and sneaky behaviors. This caused my adoptive mother to try to tighten the reins by controlling every aspect of my life. This did not achieve a desirable result.
Something very different was happening right up the street. My aunt and uncle were raising four kids of their own, and one very damaged nephew. For a long time the small, three bedroom house had four teenage boys, and one slightly high maintenance little girl. It occasionally included the wild nephew’s alcoholic mother. Logic would dictate that chaos would reign supreme in that tiny house. One would think that four teenage boys, large, loud and athletic, would overrun one loving mother and one funny father. But that house radiated peace and joy. There was a complete absence of tyranny and control on the part of the parents.
The rules in that house were not set in stone, but rather, carved in sand. There was no curfew; instead there was “Call if you’ll be much later than midnight.” There was no “You must get straight A’s” instead there was, “Do your best and we’ll be proud.” There were never commands given. It was “Would you mind?” instead of “Do it now!” The amazing thing? The kids did it. Dishwashers got emptied, rooms got cleaned, and homework was done. The tremendous love that was poured out on these kids made them want to obey. Oh, there were consequences for bad behavior, but they were appropriate, and short-lived. My aunt corrected and moved on with lightening fast speed. “What do you think you’re doing?” bellowed at full volume could be followed within seconds with, “Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you a sandwich?” If I were to ask my aunt what someone got in trouble for the day before, she would say, very believably, “I don’t remember, it wasn’t important.” When the kids made mistakes, as kids do, she was careful not to punish them more than they punished themselves. She never heaped shame on a child who was ashamed, wrath on a child that was angry at himself, or judgment on a child who already saw the error of his ways.

As an adult with four kids of my own, and the occasional wild teenaged relative thrown into the mix, I have thought often of how my amazingly aunt and uncle parented. I have called my aunt for advice more times than I can count. My cousin and I have spent hours on the phone discussing their brilliant parenting style. In fact, my cousin wrote a book about it.
In spite of all of that thought, today is the first time that I realized that my aunt and uncle parented their kids the way God desires to parent us. They bathed their children in love and acceptance. They let their children know what was right and what was wrong, and let the child choose for himself.
It worked. The four children grew up to be four faithful, loving generous beyond reason adults. My four cousins are four of the greatest people I know. The wild nephew took a little longer, but he too is living a life of love and peace. The grace poured out on those five children was not wasted, even though at the time it seemed so abundant, and so wasteful.
I now strive to wastefully pour out grace on my own four kids. Now that I am beginning to see God’s grace so wastefully poured out on me.

This World is Not Our Home

This world is not our home. We would not go to a stranger’s home and rearrange the furniture to make ourselves more comfortable. We would hesitate to suggest that the wall colors should be changed, or that the carpet should be pulled out in favor of hardwood. If you were a guest with a very important life or death mission, I’m sure you would be even less likely to comment on the state of the person’s home.
This world is not our home. This is a fallen world, waiting to be redeemed by a savior. As Christians, we are to be a fragrance of Jesus to this world. We should not be surprised when the country at large turns away from our value system. Of course they will.
It is my belief that Christians should not try to force everyone to conform to our values and sense of morality unless lives are at stake. I am not sure how we can simultaneously love people and protest them.
I have heard many people say that gay marriage will somehow harm traditional marriage. I believe divorce is what harms traditional marriage, as does adultery, abuse, and addiction.
For reasons unknown to me, some Christians think that homosexuality is the ultimate sin. That is not how God sees it. In fact, Sodom, oft referenced to point out God’s disgust with homosexuality, was in fact destroyed because of their lack of care for the poor, and for rampant greed and arrogance. As followers of Christ, can we say with certainty that we care for the poor, and that we lack arrogance?
Instead of focusing on political issues, perhaps we should remember that people see Jesus when we are like Him. Instead of trying so hard to legislate morality, maybe we should model it. How do we expect to reach a world that needs grace? Do we reach it holding picket signs condemning entire groups of people, or with humility, and grace? The same grace that was poured out on us, regardless of our sins. Have we collectively forgotten who we are? We are salt, and light. But I fear we may be a bit bland and dim.
My prayer is that we Christians would remember the mercy that was so abundantly poured over our sins. We should remember that God never tires of forgiving us. We should remember that the whole world needs the grace that God gave us. And we should stop trying to make ourselves comfortable here. This is not our home.

The Very Best! Chocolate Chip Cookies! (So far)

I love to bake and cook. It makes me feel like a good old-fashioned frontier mama. I am ok with my kids eating loads of sugar and fat, as long as I made it from scratch. Lately it is also a great way to keep our grocery budget down.

Oddly, for someone who is as knowledgable and experienced

as I am with cooking, (more a reference to my age than an opportunity to brag) I have had a surprisingly hard time making really good chocolate chip cookies. I know, chocolate chip cookies are like pizza, or sex, or the B-52s, even when they are bad, they are good. but I wanted them great. Mine tend to spread and get to soft and gooey or to crispy. I even tried (gasp) butter-flavor Crisco. The texture was great, but the flavor was artificial and off-putting.

All of this, however, was not what led me to try whole wheat chocolate cookies, it was just normal, everyday guilt. I wanted to make cookies, and I wanted them healthy. I thought if I looked up a recipes, I might find one that toned down the "too healthy" flavor that whole wheat baking products sometimes brings to baked goods.

I found a food blog that apparently everyone else in the world knew about but me, and a recipe for whole wheat chocolate chip cookies that this girl positively raved about. I proceeded to follow the recipe to a T, including, using cold butter, which I have never done for cookies. I also chilled them before I baked them, another thing I never do for chocolate chip cookies. But, I was resigned, and a little defeated with my near misses in chocolate chip cookie greatness, so I was extra compliant.

Wow! OhMyGoodness!!

Amazing Chocolate Chip Cookies!!

(I have to go get one to eat right now, so I can describe them correctly.)

Great shape. Crispy, giving way to a chewy center, but not too soft. The slight graininess of the whole wheat perfectly offsets the creamy chocolate chips. The taste of butter comes through, but doesn't overpower. They are sturdy but not too much. They are perfect!

Please try this recipe and tell me what you think.

Is love passive?

1 Cor 13:4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy, love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up; 5) does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6) does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7) bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8a) Love never fails.

1 Cor 13:13 And now, abide faith, hope love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.

Most people know these verses. They are read at Christian and secular weddings alike. They are written on plaques, and stitched into pillows. Many can quote them, in part or in full. I wonder, though, if we really know what they means. Verses four through six are somewhat self-explanatory. It is verse seven that caught my attention today, particularly the latter part of verse 7 where it says “(love) endures all things.” I saw love as a small blond child patiently waiting out a rainstorm, completely inactive, but present. She was enduring the worst storms of life. My view of love was a thing, being acted upon by outside influences, but quietly withstanding, continuing to exist. Somehow, this morning, I saw it completely differently.

Love is an active participant of daily life. It is there, available for me as I go through my day. I thought about how hard it is for me to act lovingly sometimes, particularly while driving, or impatiently shopping, or when my kids dare to reveal their true nature, as sinners dependent on the grace of God. I realized that the enduring nature of love is an active endurance. I believe what that verse means is that the activity of love (long suffering, kindness, lack of envy, lack of pride, putting others first, all the things mentioned in the preceding verses) endures the daily difficulties of life, not just the storms. Love is not something that should only exist, quietly, deep within us, it is something that should be seen, its unselfish character unique in the trials it endures. This verse says if I have love, I can be patient when my kids talk back. If I have love, I do not have to envy, but I can be content, even happy for those who have been blessed more than I have. If I have love, it will be seen, it will be active, it will change the way I respond to life’s challenges. Where does love come from? 1 John 4:16 And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.

Christians, let’s love with a love that is visible to all. Let’s take God up on His promise that love will endure all, not just the great catastrophes, but the daily inconveniences.

Putting together the What to dos, with the How it's dones

I began a personal study for, at best, mixed motives. I ended a relationship with a family member who called himself a Christian. In my zeal to call him into account, I began studying the New Testament looking for what a Christian life looked like. I wanted to prove that this person was not a Christian. I was doing a good thing, studying the New Testament, for a bad reason, not my own sanctification, but to shine light on someone else’s sin.

God did a work in my heart. First, I started reading a book called “Because He Loves Me” by Elise Fitzpatrick. Second, He supernaturally took away my anger and thirst for vengeance, and replaced it with forgiveness. This completely changed my study of what a Christian life looks like. Now I realize that keeping God’s commandments is evidence of the Christian walk. It is not what we have to do to be saved, it is what we are empowered to do once we are saved.

The Scripture that started it all was 1Cor 15:50b “nor does corruption inherit incorruption."

I wondered if you could tell a Christian by their actions. I still do. I copied all the scriptures I saw that addressed, not a believer’s heart, but their behavior. I will try to bring in the surrounding scriptures so I can learn why and how a Christian behaves like a Christian.

My prayer is that God would apply this to my heart so I would know why I should live a Christian life, and where the power to do so comes from.

1Pet 2:24 (21-24) 21) For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: 22 )Who committed no sin, nor was deceit found in His mouth, 23)who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24)who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness- by whose stripes you were healed.

I think the above verses are the linchpin of what I am trying to learn. Verse 24 tells how we can follow the example of verses 22 and 23

This is the What to do:

Gal 5:19-24 19) Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20) idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, heresies, 21) envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like, of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22)But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23) gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

This is the How it's done:

Gal 5:24-26 24) And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25) If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 26) Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

I think the above verse is saying that if we try to produce the fruit of the spirit by our own work, we will become conceited. The work of the flesh is “work” things we do. The fruit of the spirit is “fruit” something that spontaneously appears and grows.

I have a feeling that as I go through this very extensive study, I will find all the "hows" right along with the "whats".

Amazing Grace, again

I have been struggling with anger and unforgiveness for about three weeks. I recently ended a relationship with a closely related family member. This person was, at best a hindrance to my family, and at worst, potentially dangerous. I sent a letter explaining why I ended our relationship, sighting Corinthians 5:12 and Deuteronomy 19:19. I took about a week to write it, was careful to leave emotion out of it, and supported every word with scripture. I wrote a similar one to the family member’s spouse, and thought that would be the end of it.

It was only the beginning. I was enraged that there was no reaction. I quickly realized that part of my motivation in sending the letter was to cause hurt, embarrassment, or maybe anger in the one receiving it. This person, who caused so much pain to so many people, was getting off scot-free again! I was angry every single day. It didn’t matter how illogical it was. There was nothing anyone could tell me that would help. The anger and desire to inflict pain was affecting me physically. My stomach was hurting, and I was tense and irritable with my own family. I took to writing down bible verses that I felt applied to this person. I thought maybe another letter was due. I was going to make this person see himself the way I, and I was sure, God, saw him. I tried to find reasons not to forgive. “The bible says to forgive our brothers, this person only claims to be, and besides, they’ve never repented,” was what I told myself. I couldn’t imagine that I would ever be able to forgive. Yet I knew, that in order for God to forgive my many sins against Him, I would have to forgive this person’s sins against me. But I couldn’t do it.

Until yesterday. While I was doing a study for a completely different reason I came across the following scriptures.

Romans 12:14 Bless those who persecute you and do not curse. 17) Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 19) Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath, for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay says the Lord. 21) Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.

With those verses, and His gentle persistent love, God loosened my childish fingers that were tightly clenching rocks to hurl. The resentment and poison that had been my hidden companions for years, and obvious companions for weeks, vanished.

God knows what was done. Every secret thing will be brought to light. More importantly, I too have hurt people. I do not want to be repaid for the cruel remarks I have made, or the selfish acts of unkindness I have committed.

I truly forgive this person. When his sins against me are measured against my sins against God, there is no comparison. I also have some repenting to do to the people I have hurt.

I am so grateful to God for doing what I could not do, freeing my heart of the shackles of anger and unforgiveness.

It was an act of pure grace that set me free, again.

...and to my amazing husband.

Dear Steve,

How do I even begin to express who you are and what you mean to me? I was not me without you.

You are reserved, cautious, and thoughtful. You seldom make rash decisions, and you always count the cost. This is the perfect foil for my forwardness and impetuousness.

You are stable and constant, as you promised you would be. You have given me a target to land on whenever my flightiness overtakes me.

You believe in me, in my ability, and in my character. You have always believed more in my talent than I did. Because of your belief in me, I can be creative.

You have amazing self-discipline and self-control. You know right from wrong. You live life and make decisions according to your conscience rather than your feelings. Because of your self-control, I have learned its importance. You have a black and white worldview and this comforts me because I can be overwhelmed by shades of gray.

Your protectiveness has enabled me to fight for what is right, and then retreat behind you because I know you will finish the fight with me.

Your love helps me be a good wife. I am safe with you, like I have never been safe before. I know that you belong to me, and that you always will. Because of your example, I am a better person. You have always expected more of me than I expect of myself. From the first day we met, you have seen me for who I could be. I want to be who you think I can be.

Because of your gentleness, I am a good mother. You were so patient and insistent on our children being raised in a peaceful loving home. Because of your active involvement, they have been. Our children exhibit your characteristics every day, and every time I see them acting like you, I am grateful. The kids are quick to love, quick to forgive, and have high expectations for their own behavior. Because of you, we have a close, open, loving family. This happened because you did not let me raise them in the way that came naturally to me, but in the way that was right.

In addition to all of this, I just simply love you. You are fun, funny, and passionate. When I hear something funny or sad, I want to tell you. When you are gone, I want you home. When I am away from you, I want to be with you. The best parts of my day are the parts spent with you. I still look forward to being with you the way a girl in high-school looks forward to being with her boyfriend. When I think of you, I smile, like I am right now. I really think you are the most amazing man I have ever met, and I am still shaking my head in disbelief that you belong to me.

I look at my life and see the times that God’s grace was poured out. All throughout my childhood, God’s love and grace were there, comforting and protecting me. All of the love I missed as a child and more is mine as your wife. You are truly one of God’s greatest gifts to me. The best I can do, since a gift is not something that can be earned, is to try everyday, to be worthy of you, and the One who gave you to me.

I love you,

Bethany

To My Amazing Inlaws

June 3, 2010

Dear Nonnie and Poppie,

I am writing this letter to express my gratitude for what you have done, and who you have been to me.

It is impossible, on Steve’s birthday, not to think of you both. You contributed so much more than DNA to my husband.

Nonnie,

From you he received a kind heart, loyal to family above all. You passed on your tenderness, sweetness, and humility. From you, Steve learned how fragile and precious a child’s heart is; that it must be protected, nurtured, and guarded. He learned the importance of hugs, kisses, and saying “I love you.” He learned that the people you love will make mistakes, and you must forgive them. You taught him that God is his Creator, and that God is Love. You taught Steve respect and reverence for God, and love for Jesus. Because of this, he carefully weighs his decisions, and lives like there is something more than just this life.

Steve has always felt loved by you. He has always known that you think he is amazing man. Because of your belief in him, he is always striving to be the man you see when you look at him.

Poppie,

You taught my husband how to be a man, never a boy, (except sometimes for his sense of humor, in that, Steve is about 12 years old!) Steve takes responsibility for his family, his career, and his life. He never makes excuses, and he never accepts less than “110%” from himself. He expects less of others and more of himself. He is fiercely protective of the kids and me. He is brave, dedicated, and selfless, just like you. I knew, years ago, that if Steve turned out like you I would be a very lucky woman, and that my children would be lucky too. Well, he is more like you every day. Sweet, funny, occasionally stubborn, but truly the best husband and father any family could ask for.

The two of you together created a home and a family that was a safe and loving place for my husband to grow up in. You taught him the importance of hospitality and generosity. You raised, with your patience, approval, and occasional disapproval, a man that I pray my sons become like. You have given me more than I ever hoped for when you raised Steve the way you did. I have a husband who is kind, loyal, appreciative, and loving, just like his parents.

Today, on Steve’s birthday, I thank you both, from the bottom of my heart. I hope that I can do half as good of a job with your grandkids as you have done. This letter barely expresses how I feel about you both. To truly say how I feel would take pages and pages.

I love you,

Your Daughter,

Bethany